When it comes to your ex, to friend or not to friend that is the question. Until recently I had a strong and definite opinion on this.
My original and long held opinion was that YES you should remain friends with your ex. I believed that since at one point you believed that he was special, nice, kind or whatever other adjectives apply, which is why you dated them in the first place. Then these qualities should be enough to build a friendship upon.
This does not apply in extreme situations. For example, if you dated a person because you thought he was trusting kind and good to mother earth. But then you find out that he is a pathological liar, who likes to drop kick kittens and dump his blacked car oil in the nearest pond. Then, of course, there is nothing to build a friendship upon.
To me the idea that if romance is not to be is reason enough to banish him from your life forever seems at minimum passive aggressive if not vindictive. That is why I held fast to the belief that friendship with your ex is a must.
However, my most recent relationship has made me question that belief.
We dated for about one year. The relationship had its ups and downs. The relationship was more intense, both in a positive and negative way, than other relationship. The intensity of the drama was too much and we decided to end the relationship. However, because I see the great qualities he posses I have been trying to maintain a friendship.
The problem is that either one of two things seem to occur.
One we get along amazingly and I get my feelings confused. I begin to wonder about the possibility of getting back together. At which point he promptly reminds me that we are only friends. I get back to reality and agree with him, ego somewhat bruised.
Or two, and most commonly, we go from friendly to all out blame throwing and hurtful within seconds. This is not triggered by unresolved leftover issues from our relationship. The triggers are ordinary things that come up in any friendship. Put simply we can clash about just about anything.
This relationship has thought me that even two great people with great qualities can bring out the worst in each other. This would have become apparent even if we had not dated. Perhaps the intensity of the original relationship clouded this but now it is is clear that the chemistry for a friendship is simply not there.
My original and long held opinion was that YES you should remain friends with your ex. I believed that since at one point you believed that he was special, nice, kind or whatever other adjectives apply, which is why you dated them in the first place. Then these qualities should be enough to build a friendship upon.
This does not apply in extreme situations. For example, if you dated a person because you thought he was trusting kind and good to mother earth. But then you find out that he is a pathological liar, who likes to drop kick kittens and dump his blacked car oil in the nearest pond. Then, of course, there is nothing to build a friendship upon.
To me the idea that if romance is not to be is reason enough to banish him from your life forever seems at minimum passive aggressive if not vindictive. That is why I held fast to the belief that friendship with your ex is a must.
However, my most recent relationship has made me question that belief.
We dated for about one year. The relationship had its ups and downs. The relationship was more intense, both in a positive and negative way, than other relationship. The intensity of the drama was too much and we decided to end the relationship. However, because I see the great qualities he posses I have been trying to maintain a friendship.
The problem is that either one of two things seem to occur.
One we get along amazingly and I get my feelings confused. I begin to wonder about the possibility of getting back together. At which point he promptly reminds me that we are only friends. I get back to reality and agree with him, ego somewhat bruised.
Or two, and most commonly, we go from friendly to all out blame throwing and hurtful within seconds. This is not triggered by unresolved leftover issues from our relationship. The triggers are ordinary things that come up in any friendship. Put simply we can clash about just about anything.
This relationship has thought me that even two great people with great qualities can bring out the worst in each other. This would have become apparent even if we had not dated. Perhaps the intensity of the original relationship clouded this but now it is is clear that the chemistry for a friendship is simply not there.
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